Why Me?
by Watasumi Chikin
Summary: Why? Why does it have to be like this? What did I do wrong? Maybe it's best that I never know some of these things... dark, depressing oneshot FujiTohma


_Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation characters or make money from this story. sniffle_

_Okay this is just a little fic I wrote cause I was bored. Reviews are ALWAYS welcome so please tell me how this story was…please! _

Why? Why does it have to be like this? What did I do wrong? Will I ever know why? Do I even want to know why? Maybe it's better if I never know these things…why he does it, what compels him to do it, why he does it to me when I've done nothing to him…nothing at all.

I don't like to think of it…I force myself to say it's nothing when anyone asks. But in truth, it's not nothing and I have to live with the fact that it can only be nothing in fantasies. I don't like it, I hate it, in fact I'm scared of it. I should be used to it by now…why aren't I? Maybe something like this isn't something one can get used to in a short time…or ever, really. I just wish I knew why I can't tell anyone…is it because he's family? Because I don't want him to get hurt? He hurts me, why can I not do the same? Why can't I even answer that? I wish I knew the answers to all these questions…questions that should never even be thought.

I wonder why it all started, why I don't just run away from it all. But no, I couldn't. But why? Is it to protect my friends from his many threats that they don't know? Or is it something else that compels me to face it?

Why can't I even control my own life! Am I even in charge of that! No. I'm not in charge of anything anymore. No matter how much I deny it, the fact that he is running my life, my own being, lingers like a thick haze on my life.

If only I could somehow know why it started, and why with me?

Maybe he just puts on a fake smile to everyone else, everyone else who will never know, never see him the way I do. And why am I the one who has to see it? Why do I have to suffer through it? Why does it have to be my tears, my blood, my mind! Why! At least it's none of my friends…that may even be worse if he does it to them. I would never forgive myself if that happened because of me. So maybe that's why I don't fight back, well physically I mean. I tried that once…never again will I. But mentally I'm fighting back for all I'm worth, so I won't just break down. Maybe one day I will learn to live with it, to except it. I'll have to…for my friends' sake, for mine. And maybe, one day, it will all stop. Maybe, but unfortunately that might take death of one of us. And then again maybe not.

If only it never started, if only I wasn't so naïve to have not seen it before, to have not seen what was right in front of me all those years. But when I did, it hit me hard. I'm still falling from the blow of it all, many months later. If only I would have seen it before, this could all have been prevented. My friends would be safe, and they still will be if I coincide. And I would be free from it all. Free from his grasp, free from what he does so casually, free to live my own life that I once had. If only I could run away, if only it could be that simple. But if I did for my own selfish reasons, where would that leave my friends? Would he really put them through what he does to me? Would he kill them, even? All because of me? What am I to him? Why does he threaten me with my friends, or more of what he knows I hate and fear?

I still do not understand why I just don't say something to someone. It could all be over, just like that. But I would still be strangled in the chains of memories of what has already been. But who would, or actually could, do something about it? No one. Because I won't tell. I never will. No one should have to take on my burdens. No one should even know what they are except me, and I shouldn't even know.

No one should have to go through this, and with someone that they once trusted. Someone that they once looked up to, someone who never once crossed their mind of doing something so terrible…and to someone they knew can't do anything about it. If only…if only I knew why.

Maybe one day all my questions will be answered. Maybe one day I'll wake up…wake up from this hellish nightmare that is called reality. But for now all I can do is put on my own fake smile, and keep living.

_So…please leave a review on you way out! I really wanna know how you felt. Sad, mad, annoyed? What? So please tell me how you felt about this story…_


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